My last post I ended on a sour note... Something I just dont want to talk about.... The Demons in my cupcake....
Sounds like an episode of Family Guy.... Like maybe Peter discovers a magical box of cupcakes that grant him wishes every time he eats one, but these wishes later go horribly wrong (akin to the Monkey Paw short story of classic literature.)and by the end of the episode everyone's soul is trapped in a cupcake to be eaten by the next victim.... sheesh... I need a hobby.... who thinks of this stuff?
Anyway... Im not really talking about something as tangible as an evil spirit lurking under the sprinkles and frosting. I'm talking about the Devil called Emotional Eating and his minions: Sugar and Flour....
Cupcakes are as good a place to put the blame as any... Who doesn't love cupcakes? And you'd never suspect them to be evil. They look so cute and tempting. Don't they? I know they're cute to me. Little pops of sugar and pleasantry. We use them to say all sorts of things. "Happy Birthday." "I Love you." "Congratulations." The list is long. We see them as little symbols of self-indulgence. Prizes for a job well done.
My problem is that cupcakes... cookies, pies, cakes, candy bars. They are congratulating me more and more often than I probably deserve. Actually, my indulgent sugary habits aren't just congratulating me, They comfort me in my time of despair. They entertain me when I'm bored.
Food is a place to hide from, or feed those unhealthy emotions I hide from. Yup… Mr. Devil... aka Devil’s Food Cake.
Emotional eating is not a new concept. It’s ancient in the study of psychology. Actually in 2010, people are going so far as to discuss something called “Food Addiction.” That’s what Emotional Eating turned into at boot camp: The HULK of food problems. So, explaining what emotional eating is to you is not going to be very enlightening at this point. And the point is to enlighten the masses and illuminate the hidden.
That was kind of poetic…..
Anyway, I will tell you what happens when I succumb to my food demons. It all starts with a thought. See, I have clinical depression. The serotonin in my brain isn’t enough, and what little I do make isn’t quite absorbed properly by my brain. Now, my being overweight may be a contributing factor to this serotonin production problem. But ironically enough, my depression can lead to my weight problems. Catch 22. (It’s a book, and a paradox problem. Go read, people!)
So my issues start in my head. I could be having a perfectly normal day. Wake up, brush teeth, shower, eat, etc. The problems start usually when I want to plan my day. There’s this part of me that LOVES lists and organization. And there’s this part of me (the imbalance from my depression) that has a serious problem processing certain thoughts. Usually it’s the linear, methodical, processing thoughts that just kill me. The analytical, abstract, future-telling thoughts are awesome! It might also have something to do with the fact that I am left-handed, right-brained. I’m creative as a whip. But I have issues with trusting my ability to accurately make the distinctive choices that are most productive. I’m paralyzed by a fear of not being productive, or not being correct, which again, causes me sample irony. My fear of not being productive keeps me from making a decision, which of course, isn’t productive. So… after all this time, I sort of make a schedule that I am mostly ok with. But there’s the nagging fear that it’s not enough- I could be doing more. I have a family history of doing the most, you see. In college I was obsessed with doing a lot. I even had complete burn out a couple of times. I was constantly involved in at least three different projects or organizations. I wanted to do everything. I was interested in everything.
This is one of the Demons: Accomplishment acknowledgement. I am never quite content with what I am doing. I am always focused on what else I could be doing. While this has benefits (ambition, drive, an interesting resume, exposure), it also teeters dangerously on the edge of never thinking I am good enough, or doing great things. It’s like racing yourself, and never acknowledging that you can’t really lose. In my mind I’m always too slow.
It’s not too hard to understand how I could feel this way. I am twenty three years old. What do I do for a living? I am an active, working thespian, for one. I am also a Program Advisor for a pilot enrichment program called the Freedom Leadership Academy
This sounds relatively cool right? And it is. I absolutely adore my job. But it’s the “other” factors that are driving me crazy. I don’t have a car, I live with my parent, and I have to scrape to get by sometimes. How accomplished can I feel when I have to walk an hour in the snow because I have no wheels?
I am not complaining. I’m acknowledging, and explaining how sometimes I can knock myself mentally, despite accomplishments that some would find admirable. But when you read about 20 year olds starting million dollar businesses, or creating global charity projects… Oh man…. I don’t size up too well.
This is all the stuff that goes on in my head when I am staring at some processed sugary fluff, contemplating scarfing it down in one bite. I want the rush, you see. I want the sugars and the chemicals that create mock happiness. I want the buzz of energy, the mini pick-me-up. I also want to have one thing that I can control. My eating. See… the cupcake won’t fail me. It will give me exactly what I want. It also has no expectations of me. Sweets in general are just there to love and love and love, although it’s a toxic love that ultimately goes nowhere good.
And as I write this, I realize there’s another Demon lurking underneath even THIS admittance. I eat the sweets because I want to fail. Failing is easier than trying to succeeding. The truth is: SUCCESS IS WON THROUGH TEARS AND SWEAT AND BLOOD AND PAIN! We all know this, somewhere in our minds. But those of us, who still eat the cupcake, are the ones who don’t have the courage to try to succeed. It’s a lot of effort and trying and hoping. But being the true pessimist that most depression-sufferers are… I don’t really have faith that all the trying will lead to success. In this lack of faith, is the option to fail now, without trying, rather than fail later after trying. Failing later can send a message to the world that, yes, while I had the heart, and the determination, I was not really good enough. Failing now, leaves the narrow possibility of “if I wanted to, I probably could.”
I think most emotional eaters would rather not find out if they really are good enough or not, to succeed at their dreams. So we eat. And eat. And eat. And eat.
And all of this still probably sounds preposterous to people that know me. You see, underneath my depression, I am a happy girl. My depression happens in “bouts” or attacks, like asthma, or seizures. It’s not all the time. Sometimes I can pass by the cupcake for the trail mix. Or the mini-cupcake is followed by a three mile jog/walk. (I don’t run… jogging maybe. But no running.) In these moments, I really do have a better perspective. I can look at my circumstances and see how much I have been able to accomplish, considering all the odds against me, instead of looking at what I haven’t done compared to people who have circumstances that I know nothing about. Underneath my depression is the spirit of a truly amazing girl who loves life.
But like I said... it all starts with a thought....
Sharing this with you all is a step though. I think it will be easier to conquer my demons if I drag them kicking and screaming, out of the shadows and into the light where everyone can see them. Without a place to hide, they will have to fight. To the death...
ha... death by cupcake demon.... I dont THINK so, lil flour fluff... Maybe not today, but I plan to beat you one day...
well.. that's enough for today. Another food demon another day....
thanks for your support.
Love you all, my fellow Chubb Chubbs. Remember... good food is delish, but good living is sweeter!
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