The Bandwagon and the lifeboat

For the past few days, I have been swimming in the sea... and since I live in Ohio, and all we have is a lake, it's probably safe to assume that my swimming is metaphorical. I mean the red sea. The one women avoid like the plague, and then get helplessly plunged into every month like the flight of the lemmings...
I don't know a single woman that enjoys that time of the month. I know a few who are always greeting it in relief- glad to have escaped the reproductive grind once again...

But anyway, I find myself thrown into the despot of bloody madness and craving things.... sweet things... sugary sweet things.

This past week I hopped on the bandwagon... and gave into bad eating habits...

It all started with tech week of my play... for those of you who don't know, tech week of any play is commonly referred to as "hell week." Its when all the intricacies, including light cues and set changes, become cemented. It is a week of tense nerves, irregular hectic schedules, and laaaate hours. Needless to say, tech week is not a good week for someone who is still trying to get the hang of healthy and regular eating and rest.

This, coupled with the onset of RED DOOM and cravings, and topped off with opening night cake and drink, meant disaster.
And so.... the end of my January was totally Chubbchubb indulgent, and enjoyable. But it was also fatty nonsense and sleeplessness. Not a good combo....

Its very disheartening to mark the end of my first month this way... usually, by now I would have become frustrated and given up. But then I think... "hey, its only the first month." I have like 17 months left... alotta weeks to do worse than this.

On the upside, my play is going very well. I have two brilliant actresses playing eight rambunctious characters, and we all got through opening weekend. *phew*

Still looking for a workout partner.... any takers? Let me know...

Love you all, my fellow ChubbChubbs. Remember, good food is delish, but good living is sweeter.

No running!!! (or reasons i dont move more)

Hello World.

Sorry I've been absentee these past few days. Monday was MLK Jr. Day, and being a holiday. It threw me off entirely. Anyway, here I am ready to report. And what do I have to say for myself in the three day interim; actually, not much. I behaved myself pretty well: Six meals and such, a sprinkle of extras. There wasn’t too much bad behavior. However, I’m back to having to remember to fidget. Ugh…. If you are not a natural-born fidgeter, trying to become one is almost painful. And I’m not. I am truly a sedentary person. I believe in being still with all my heart. Meditation, deep breathing, sunbathing… I’m just sedentary. I am trying though.

This brings me to my next hurdle. I am pretty regular in the food department by now. As you can probably imagine, I am very in love with my routine of mini plastic containers. The next challenge in this new healthy me is moving; namely that E word. You know what I am referring to… Exercise. Now, Chubb Chubb that I am, running is not my favorite activity. However, I am a lot stronger than most people would assume, mostly in the legs and trunk department.

Yes… underneath my cute pudgy belly lies a lot of abdomen muscle. Don’t laugh. I mean it.

I am a very strongly built person. Let’s look at the history shall we? Growing up, there weren’t a lot of boys in the family. So I did a lot of trash hauling and furniture moving. Especially furniture moving…. I was obsessed with moving my bedroom around every season. (Fashionista in the making!) And I never wanted to wait until my mother felt like helping me. So little Me would push whole dressers and lift bed frames. Did I mention that in my resilience and defiance, I was pushing dressers that still had drawers in them? I also played football as a child, and played with little neighborhood boys. Which involved that dreaded activity- running. In my teen years I did a lot of African Dance too. Trunk and legs people… I have a lot of muscle in my trunk and legs. (hmm… Im rather disliking my use of the word “trunk”. Sounds like an elephant.) In college I did work out moderately. I even worked out with friends, which they recommend. In strength and flexibility exercises, my friends were always amazed. It’s that cardio mess I couldn’t stand.

No running, remember?

So… I have a cardio problem. Except…. I love dancing. Love, love, love it. If there’s music on, I almost absolutely can keep moving forever. Well…. Longer than I can run anyway. Running is boring. It’s absolutely boring.

I sound like a broken record.

I think you get the picture. I hate to run. I will try not to mention it again. (hate it!)

Anyway, the point is that I need to get some more cardio in my life. Fidgeting does burn calories, but it can’t compete with my lifestyle the way a good sweat session can. The problem is that in the course of my day, I never seem to have enough time or energy to make that happen. And I don’t mean that I am one of those people making weird excuses. I don’t mean time/energy simultaneously. I mean them quite apart. Sometimes there are certainly thirty minute stretches or longer that I could put to good aerobic use. But a lot of the time when it happens, I am drained. Emotionally, physically, drained. But the Catch 22 is that if I move, I would have more energy. Ain’t that a biscuit …

And when I try to work out at home, I get so very bored. BOOOORED. I get bored a lot at home. Not a conducive environment for motivating minds. If you lived in my neighborhood, you would understand.

So… here are the types of circumstances that lead to me having a good workout

1)      Having a partner: I stay motivated so much more when there’s another person around. And it keeps me from being.. (scary theme music) BORED

2)      Music: If there is some kind of rhythm or beat involved, I am good to go! Even if it’s not dancing. My body just wants a rhythm.

3)      Good clothing: I used to hate working out with those little skinny Nike Divas. You know the kind… they wear head to toe Nike athletic gear and never break a sweat? Hated them…. Like… who uses workout clothes to make a statement? But I kinda understand it now. I’m not a Nike Diva (mainly because I have a long torso and those little shirts never cover my belly). But I do believe in wearing clothing im not ashamed to be in. Im more likely to work out!

4)      Set time: When I exercise on a schedule, I am more likely to stick to that schedule. I don’t like unorganized days. I DO like days with nothing to do… leaves space for adventure. But I don’t like days where I have things to do, just in no particular order.

These are my qualifications. Without them, I may occasionally exercise, but it doesn’t stick very well. So, I am going to try to find that here in my city. It’s not a small city, so it shouldn’t be hard.. Or so you think. I already know I am going to have to leave my neighborhood. Women around here are not overly concerned with working out. And men are all concerned with lifting weights. (trying to prove something, sir?)

scaaaaary...

Ugh….Certainly not trying to look like that... So... Journey ahead…. Got to find a workout buddy. That’s the first step, and the hardest. I wish I could do it with my mom, but she seems so busy these days. Our schedules don’t mesh very well.

Ah well. I will find something, I suppose.

If you have any helpful tips, feel free to offer them up!

I love hearing from you all.

Love you all, my fellow Chubb Chubbs. Remember... good food is delish, but good living is sweeter!

Demons in my Cupcake

Greetings!

My last post I ended on a sour note... Something I just dont want to talk about.... The Demons in my cupcake....

Sounds like an episode of Family Guy....  Like maybe Peter discovers a magical box of cupcakes that grant him wishes every time he eats one, but these wishes later go horribly wrong (akin to the Monkey Paw short story of classic literature.)and by the end of the episode everyone's soul is trapped in a cupcake to be eaten by the next victim....

sheesh... I need a hobby.... who thinks of this stuff?

Anyway... Im not really talking about something as tangible as an evil spirit lurking under the sprinkles and frosting. I'm talking about the Devil called Emotional Eating and his minions: Sugar and Flour....

Cupcakes are as good a place to put the blame as any... Who doesn't love cupcakes? And you'd never suspect them to be evil. They look so cute and tempting. Don't they?

I know they're cute to me. Little pops of sugar and pleasantry. We use them to say all sorts of things. "Happy Birthday." "I Love you." "Congratulations." The list is long. We see them as little symbols of self-indulgence. Prizes for a job well done.

My problem is that cupcakes... cookies, pies, cakes, candy bars. They are congratulating me more and more often than I probably deserve. Actually, my indulgent sugary habits aren't just congratulating me, They comfort me in my time of despair. They entertain me when I'm bored.

Food is a place to hide from, or feed those unhealthy emotions I hide from. Yup… Mr. Devil... aka Devil’s Food Cake.

Emotional eating is not a new concept. It’s ancient in the study of psychology. Actually in 2010, people are going so far as to discuss something called “Food Addiction.” That’s what Emotional Eating turned into at boot camp: The HULK of food problems. So, explaining what emotional eating is to you is not going to be very enlightening at this point. And the point is to enlighten the masses and illuminate the hidden.

That was kind of poetic…..

Anyway, I will tell you what happens when I succumb to my food demons. It all starts with a thought. See, I have clinical depression. The serotonin in my brain isn’t enough, and what little I do make isn’t quite absorbed properly by my brain. Now, my being overweight may be a contributing factor to this serotonin production problem. But ironically enough, my depression can lead to my weight problems. Catch 22. (It’s a book, and a paradox problem. Go read, people!)

So my issues start in my head. I could be having a perfectly normal day. Wake up, brush teeth, shower, eat, etc. The problems start usually when I want to plan my day. There’s this part of me that LOVES lists and organization. And there’s this part of me (the imbalance from my depression) that has a serious problem processing certain thoughts. Usually it’s the linear, methodical, processing thoughts that just kill me. The analytical, abstract, future-telling thoughts are awesome! It might also have something to do with the fact that I am left-handed, right-brained. I’m creative as a whip. But I have issues with trusting my ability to accurately make the distinctive choices that are most productive. I’m paralyzed by a fear of not being productive, or not being correct, which again, causes me sample irony. My fear of not being productive keeps me from making a decision, which of course, isn’t productive. So… after all this time, I sort of make a schedule that I am mostly ok with. But there’s the nagging fear that it’s not enough- I could be doing more. I have a family history of doing the most, you see. In college I was obsessed with doing a lot. I even had complete burn out a couple of times. I was constantly involved in at least three different projects or organizations. I wanted to do everything. I was interested in everything.

This is one of the Demons: Accomplishment acknowledgement. I am never quite content with what I am doing. I am always focused on what else I could be doing. While this has benefits (ambition, drive, an interesting resume, exposure), it also teeters dangerously on the edge of never thinking I am good enough, or doing great things. It’s like racing yourself, and never acknowledging that you can’t really lose. In my mind I’m always too slow.

It’s not too hard to understand how I could feel this way. I am twenty three years old. What do I do for a living? I am an active, working thespian, for one. I am also a Program Advisor for a pilot enrichment program called the Freedom Leadership Academy. (They have a blog too. Check it out- http://www.freeleadacademy.wordpress.com/)

This sounds relatively cool right? And it is. I absolutely adore my job. But it’s the “other” factors that are driving me crazy. I don’t have a car, I live with my parent, and I have to scrape to get by sometimes. How accomplished can I feel when I have to walk an hour in the snow because I have no wheels?

I am not complaining. I’m acknowledging, and explaining how sometimes I can knock myself mentally, despite accomplishments that some would find admirable. But when you read about 20 year olds starting million dollar businesses, or creating global charity projects… Oh man…. I don’t size up too well.

This is all the stuff that goes on in my head when I am staring at some processed sugary fluff, contemplating scarfing it down in one bite. I want the rush, you see. I want the sugars and the chemicals that create mock happiness. I want the buzz of energy, the mini pick-me-up. I also want to have one thing that I can control. My eating. See… the cupcake won’t fail me. It will give me exactly what I want. It also has no expectations of me. Sweets in general are just there to love and love and love, although it’s a toxic love that ultimately goes nowhere good.

And as I write this, I realize there’s another Demon lurking underneath even THIS admittance. I eat the sweets because I want to fail. Failing is easier than trying to succeeding. The truth is: SUCCESS IS WON THROUGH TEARS AND SWEAT AND BLOOD AND PAIN! We all know this, somewhere in our minds. But those of us, who still eat the cupcake, are the ones who don’t have the courage to try to succeed. It’s a lot of effort and trying and hoping. But being the true pessimist that most depression-sufferers are… I don’t really have faith that all the trying will lead to success. In this lack of faith, is the option to fail now, without trying, rather than fail later after trying. Failing later can send a message to the world that, yes, while I had the heart, and the determination, I was not really good enough. Failing now, leaves the narrow possibility of “if I wanted to, I probably could.”

I think most emotional eaters would rather not find out if they really are good enough or not, to succeed at their dreams. So we eat. And eat. And eat. And eat.

And all of this still probably sounds preposterous to people that know me. You see, underneath my depression, I am a happy girl. My depression happens in “bouts” or attacks, like asthma, or seizures. It’s not all the time. Sometimes I can pass by the cupcake for the trail mix. Or the mini-cupcake is followed by a three mile jog/walk. (I don’t run… jogging maybe. But no running.) In these moments, I really do have a better perspective. I can look at my circumstances and see how much I have been able to accomplish, considering all the odds against me, instead of looking at what I haven’t done compared to people who have circumstances that I know nothing about. Underneath my depression is the spirit of a truly amazing girl who loves life.

But like I said... it all starts with a thought....

Sharing this with you all is a step though. I think it will be easier to conquer my demons if I drag them kicking and screaming, out of the shadows and into the light where everyone can see them. Without a place to hide, they will have to fight. To the death...

ha... death by cupcake demon....    I dont THINK so, lil flour fluff... Maybe not today, but I plan to beat you one day...

well.. that's enough for today. Another food demon another day....

thanks for your support.

Love you all, my fellow Chubb Chubbs. Remember... good food is delish, but good living is sweeter!

Food... How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

So… how is this food thing going? Remember the cheat day I give myself every week? Well… the first week was a week full of cheats.. which of course, is no bueno! But its restrospectively funny. I mean, I fell flat on my face in failure to avoid sugary snacks. But let me explain: I live with my mother and grandmother.

What? It’s a recession…. don’t act like that…. are you struggling to pay your rent? Oh you are? Oh ok… well… then who is foolish?

Anyway, my family’s diet is a little more processed than mine. So they are apt to bring home sugary goodness. And my poor willpower just walks out the door. The first week also happened to be the New Year week, and my mother’s birthday week. I just had to have one cookie… which turned into four more…. in three hours. Same goes for the powdered donuts that I tried to ignore with all my might. But then the milk starts to hum and the donuts and cookies belt out the sweetest love song you have ever heard…. beckoning… calling… playing a sultry siren song. Before you know it, several cookies and donuts are gone and you’re ashamed of yourself…. Yes it’s funny. Yes it’s also sad.

The second week isn’t so bad, so far…. I’ve been staying on track a lot more, with only a few aberrations. I added a line to my chart called “extras” just for such occasions. It’s not as bad as I think usually. But only as long as I am completely honest about what I eat. That part is difficult. If I was good at being honest with myself when it came to food, I wouldn’t have consumed whole medium pizzas so often in college. (minus the obligatory 3 or 4 slices you share with friends in your dorm). Eeww… I cant even believe I ate that way.

I’m a foodie. I love food. And not just in the fast-food industry fatty sugary goodness way. I love trying new flavors. I like exotic foreign foods. I like texture, and aroma and color. I love food! But food doesn’t love me…. I prefer to say that my fat cells are highly allergic to food and liable to swell up. Yeah… that sounds a lot less like its really my fault.

As for my line of “extras”.. I have added a new factor to my process: fidgeting. Yep. That annoying thing the guy in the cubicle next to you does with his pencil. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. I’ve decided to actively become a fidgeter. It burns a lot of calories. Im on a mission to never be still if I can help it. Truthfully, after two days of fidgeting I am actually rather sore.

Go figure… But its not a natural process for me, so we will see how it goes.

On a high note. I rediscovered another pair of skinny jeans (where DO these clothes manage to hide themselves? who magically discovers clothes in their house?) These gems fit grandly. I’m wearing them now actually. Chubb Chubb Diva moment! LOVE finding great fashion pieces that fit me! (even if I didn’t technically find them because I already owned them.)

Amidst all this literary foolishness, there is a point. I am very much in love with food. I mean.. unconditionally. The good. The Bad. And the Trans Fat. I love it all. And it's this love that I need to sort of abandon if I hope to get healthier. For example... Hostess cupcakes will never love me back. Not ever. Not even once. (oh man... is this relationship advice). So as much as Hostess has that great cream filling... I need to let it go. Or atleast limit interactions to facebook wall posts one a month... wait.. I mean....

Cupcakes, old girl.... we are discussing cupcakes....

Yeah. I need to consume them less. Or be willing to run them off. (I dont run) Because the Hostess love affair is going to land me in the hospital.

In an attempt to just wean myself off of sweets, I failed horribly. Guess I'm not a cold-turkey kind of girl. So moderation and substitution is the plan for now.

If anyone out there is reading this, please understand.... failure will happen. It's happening to me... right now. But failure isn't about quitting. It's about learning one's limitations and motivations. I have no problem eating healthy food. I love healthy food. I adore wheatgrass juice, and think raw veggies are the fountain of eternal youth. But I also have strong compulsions when it comes to glucose, fructose, and sucralose. It sucks sometimes. It truly does. But like my Just 10 bracelet is supposed to remind me... i'm worth it.

So what's the plan? Well.... this is the difficult part. I have to come to terms with my demons. I have to figure out the "why" of my extra snacking.... but thats a post for next time.

Love you all, my fellow Chubb Chubbs. Remember... good food is delish, but good living is sweeter!

Got to have a Plan!!!

Ok... so here's a breakdown of my diet format these days....

BIG STEP: I eat 6x a day. This is as of January 4th... so my body is still adjusting. Although eating "more" sounded like some kind of conspiracy... It really works. but you have to read the "fine print". Eating more means eating more often. Not bigger. So if you can normally wolf down a Big Mac and fries like a food-eating champ.... it doesnt mean more Big Macs. It means eat half a Big Mac now.... and half in two hours. Yea... the fun is fading now, isnt it?

The whole thing sounded difficult to a busy person like me... But I am a Virgo. So I love any excuse to make lists and get organized. I bought 3 snack bowls and 2 portable meal containers. Everything I bought was already sized pretty appropriately so my proportions stay reasonable. It also gives me no excuse to eat out at fast food, or succumb to greasy nasty foods, when my meals can go with me.

Now... I mentioned in my first post that I have a sugar addiction. Let's think about that for a second. Im not going to make it if I have to eat veggies day in and day out all day. So, once a week, I give myself a cheat day. During that day I can have a snack or two of sweety delish sugary goodness. Mmm... transfat..... (I never said I was a pro)... I also keep a gallon of iced-green tea. Its a nice drink alternative to water, and you know what they say about all those anti-oxidants!

Generally I eat chicken, salmon, and turkey. I think pork is the Devil's meat. I can't stand it! the few times in the past decade that I have somehow been tricked into eating swine, my stomach goes on hiatus for about three days. Pain like you've never seen. I hardly eat beef. Usually, beef that I consume is in the form of burgers. ie, already partially processed. I love vegetables. Love them. Especially broccoli and spinach.

I’d like to take the time to point out that while some of you readers may be frowning, or think to themselves that I’ve brainwashed myself into liking these particular veggies, you would be highly mistaken. I have always, always loved certain veggies; even as a kid. For the purpose of getting my body in order, however, I stick to stir fry or steamed veggies mostly. It’s quick, and its easy. A few days ago. I slipped a sweet potato into the mix. Baked in the oven… I forgot how filling those things are!

The hardest part of this eating journey is the boredom. When I get bored, or emotional…. or bored and emotional (usually when thinking about my lacking love life. Ha!) I tend to snack. And that’s not even including the random sugar cravings. But my goal is to substitute these mindless cravings with water. I also read a trick once where if you eat something sour or bitter, you wont go for the sugar because it wont taste sweet anymore. We will see if that works….. I highly doubt it. Me and sugar have a longstanding relationship.

Monday through Friday, I watch Dr. Oz. Yes… I am a Dr. Oz fan. Even as I write this, I feel excited about the free “Just 10” band from Zappos that just came in the mail. They accidentally sent me two so I gave one to my grandmother. It’s a wristband that serves to remind me that I matter, and I’m worth it. Just 10 pounds can make a difference. We will see if it works. It was pretty good yesterday when my actresses pulled out every sugary/salty snack ever made. I’m directing a play by the way. Theater is sort of my career. Mostly. ;)

I also have a chart that goes B(breakfast), S(snack), L(lunch), S,S, D(dinner). There’s a line for each letter, and I journal my meals. The journaling thing is not as bad as I thought. I am really not a daily/consistent person when it comes to writing. Seriously. I don’t know what made me think to blog about this… ha. Keep the faith I guess.

Love you all, my fellow Chubb Chubbs. Remember... good food is delish, but good living is sweeter!

The Beginning

I dont want you to get the wrong impression. I love being me.... mostly. And I am certainly what I call a "chubb chubb." This is not about bashing or making fun of people's sizes. I will probably always be a little bit chubby. But I think it makes me cute. What is a Chubb Chubb? One of the proud and fortunate few who carry a little extra weight, and keep it moving. Chubb Chubbs arent ashamed, sitting in the corner like wallflowers... We are unabashedly proud to be the social butterfly, sitting in the middle of the crowd, getting all the attention.







However.... chubby or not... I need to get my health in order. So.... I've decided to write a blog about this weight-loss thing. Who Am I? No... i am not some health and fitness guru. Although as much as I nag my friends about fried food and pork, they probably think I am.

I don't have any crazy medical miracles when it come to weight loss. I'm a moderately healthy American who is also overweight with a sugar addiction.... Laughing yet? If so... that's probably because this sounds familiar. Very familiar..

I’m 5’6” and I weigh in at approximately 230-235lbs. Yeah… But I’m Black, so I look like I’m about 180.

What is that about you ask? Oh… well…. I learned that physiologically, most Black people are generally denser. Muscles. Bone, etc. We even carry our fat differently (and I don’t mean the stereotypically popular Black Booty.) This means that a white girl with my height and weight might look much bigger, or less toned than I do.

So-obviously this blog wont be about scale numbers. Inches maybe…. But not numbers. Why? Because I plan to succeed in getting healthier. And that means losing fat. Inches matter more than pounds when you are talking about fat.
And while we’re talking success… (well… I’m talking… you’re reading….)I am giving myself until the end of august 2012… My 25th birthday, to get my body in order. It’s January… 2011… so… we are looking at an estimated 18 and a half months. I want to lose this belly fat, so I can reduce my risk of getting diabetes, lower my blood pressure, build up my cardio endurance, and strengthen some muscles groups.

Yup. I got a target. You got to have a target. And I’m gonna document it for all the people out there who think their own weight loss is undoable, or think the solution can be found in a pill. I’m putting it all out there; the triumphs, the failures (I’m sure there will be a lot of those), the discoveries, and the tried and true methods that just work. I hope to become a daily blogger, but honestly… I’m a busy girl. So I hope you, my dear reader, are ready for the journey. Because truthfully, I’ve had enough of just wanting better. I'm ready to DO better….

Love you all, my fellow Chubb Chubbs. Remember... good food is delish, but good living is sweeter!