MegaSlump

Greetings my darlings. I have been quite absent from the blog for some time. A couple of weeks at most. You'll have to pardon me. I've been quite ill. And... well... I'll just say I've been experiencing rather severe "girl pains" in addition to being ill. And my play finished up.


Quite a busy, draining couple of weeks.
So you know what that means....

Dietary failure.

I've been totally absent from healthful piety. Its sad. Some days I only ate once. Some days, not at all. I'm in that place I normally find myself in when I try to do it healthy. A MegaSlump.

The MegaSlump is a dangerous place for me. Its not like a "slump" where a person maybe falls off for a few days, or a week. Or forgets a little.

The MegaSlump is a total mental failure. I begin to see things as pointless and helpless. And usually I don't just feel discouraged. I DECIDE to give up altogether.

I've been in a MegaSlump for a few days. Ready to call it quits and just remain overweight and unhealthy. I mean, its not like I'm receiving any encouragement. Very few people read this blog honestly...

I don't know why I'm trying so hard. If noone else cares... maybe I shouldn't either...


Oh jeez... it sounds way more depressing on screen...

I'm just tired of constantly failing. And I'm tired of doing it by myself. I need help. I need help. I need help. A swift kick in the shins, so to speak.

Right now, I feel very alone in this battle. And I don't know if I can make it to where I want to be. Atleast not by myself.

This- this is apart of that food demon I mentioned earlier. The fear of true failure. So what do I do?

Well, since Valentine's day, my remedy for everything has been the giant bag of M&M's I've been eating.

I don't know what's coming darlings. But its not good so far.

And this is compounded by the fact that I feel alone; and crowded at the same time. I have no personal sanctuary, except for my food, and the space between my ears when my earbuds are in. I'm like a Frenchman in rural China. And my Cantonese is pretty bad.

Not only am I in a MegaSlump, but I'm back to medicating with food. And eating irregularly. Some days I eat once, some days I eat nothing at all. Today is the first day I've managed six individual meals and I'm pretty sure they were too small. In the past week, I skipped three days without drinking any water at all.

The weather isn't helping. I detest the winter. Since my exercise of choice is jogging outside... it limits things a bit.

I'm also extremely likely to have S.A.D. which turns the winter into a nightmare.

I don't like this place I'm in. But I don't know how to get out of it. And "just making up my mind" isn't working...

Later darlings....

A bad feeling....

Today, my chubbchubbs, is a bad day.... or rather, its a bad evening. This is a journal entry based in irrationality and angry emotion....

Just thought I'd warn you.

Why is it irrational? Because any normal person who could look at the bigger picture, wouldn't be so upset. But when you are a little perfectionist like me, its the *little* things that irk the crap out of you....

The bigger picture is this: I had a great day at work, and my actresses performed grandly during this evening's performance.

Here's the minute details that are on the verge of sending me to tears: my skirt split, then I ripped off the button on my shirt, I left my headphones, (which means I cannot zone out musically while my mother is studying) and after working out so hard yesterday that my whole body is sore above the bellybutton, I am actually heavier. Oh yeah... the weather is crappy, and might be affecting my headaches.

And then there are my mom's interjections of dialogue with the computer lecture recording she is listening to. Grr...
Again... no headphones...

I get annoyed very deeply when intricate things go wrong, one right after the other. It burns in my chest, like an out-of-control flame, threatening to make me cry.

I don't do crying...

So, as a response to my refusal to cry, my body converts my sad annoyance to anger. Edgy, irritated, anger... the kind that slams drawers and then says "nothing is wrong."

Usually, my healthy outlet is to listen to music to calm down. But... there's no music remember? No headphones.

So what happened?

The half of a Hershey bar sitting in my purse began to call me. And call me. And call me. Loud pounding ringing in my head.
So I answered. I unwrapped and devoured the rest of the candy bar, violently and hatefully; waiting for the euphoric cocoa chemicals to kick into my neurotransmitters and calm me down.

And they did momentarily. The chocolate calmed me down from the strange mixture of fury and tears lurkin beneath my quiet demeanor. But the anger remained. The frustration remained. I was literally afraid to move or interact with my family because I knew that if I said too much, I would sound irritated, or say the wrong thing in spite. So I just laid out on the couch, curled up in a ball, with my back to the room. It was the safest thing I could think to do.

And then I felt the guilt of scarfing down half of a huge frickin hershey bar. That's like... 10 rectangles.

Remember the cupcake demons? There are Hershey demons too. And they just whisper to you. Like a alchy-smelling old friend whose drunkenness insures that they put their snoshy wet lips a little too close to your ear.
"Good job kiddo."
"Look at you. Another food binge."
"You're never going to beat this thing."


That Demon is called Defeatist Guilt. He just makes you feel worse about what you're doing, and simultaneously encourages you to give up trying to do better.
Then the tears brim up again, but I already told you. I don't do the tears if I can help it.

So, why the dark emotion?

I have clinical depression.

And why the separate, removed analysis of what is ocurring?

Because that's how my analytical brain works. I always somehow manage to experience emotion and yet simultaneously remove myself to a bird's eye view type of dissection. Its strange and mildly annoying. No, seriously. Its bad enough to go through the pain. I don't need a mental play-by-play of what's going on, and where it stems from psychologically.

But I do it anyway... I'm not sure how NOT to. Its a natural thing my brain does. Analyze, question, critique, criticize, breakdown, wonder, play out scenarios. All the time. All. The. Time.

Funny thing is, I think this adds to my depression. And its exhausting. Its EXHAUSTING. When the mind runs sixty miles per hour, its tired before you speak your first sentence of the day. Seriously. Mentally, I get drained very quickly.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That was last night...

Today I awake to find myself much calmer, but still a convict of last night's actions. Remember how I said I was afraid to interact with my family? Well, I did have one small interaction, and it turned into the squabble of the morning.

And its a bit like Jekyll and Hide. The Doc always had to pay for the sins of Mr. Hide, even if he didn't quite understand what happened. (You know, I once was asked out by a guy who didn't know who Jekyll and Hide were.... courtship ended shortly after...)

So... its a *fantastic* start to my already tiresome day. And I'm still resisting the urge to wolf down whatever piece of sugary goodness comes my way.

And there's present anxiety. But its more subdued than the electric stormcloud that was billowing in my chest last night.
But I don't see this day coming out Sunny.

I just have to try very hard to steer myself away from cookies and cakes....


***
Fyi... it didn't work out. I had two cookies, some Hostess donuts, and two cupcakes....

Ah well, my lovelies... no one said I was perfect....

Love you all, my fellow Chubbchubbs. Remember... good food is delish, but good living is sweeter!

Water, water, Everywhere...

Good day Chubbchubbs.
February is off to an okayish start. (Yes I am aware that 'okayish' is not a word)
I've added a bunch of helpful apps to my phone. I love apps. Love them... I might be addicted...
I know my mom is addicted to one of them- the 'angry birds' game.... she REALLY loves it.

If you don't know what Angry Birds is, do yourself a favor. Play a game or two. Green pigs and exploding P-O'd birds...

As I was saying...
Android has a great group of apps! And though I may have a mild addiction to apps, I really have found some great ones. A diet tracker(food journal), a pushup sergeant, some pilates moves, a weight progress tracker, etc... there's even an alarm that tells me to eat (six small meals a day, remember?). And if you are hyper busy, like me, or hyper ADHD like... well... I won't mention names... having reminders for those types of important things is great!

However, there IS an app that is becoming a nemesis of mine. It also sets off alarms to remind me of something...

Its the water-drinking app...

There is a funny little app that reminds me to drink water. I did a bunch of tests, and based on my weight (234.6 today) and activity and climate, and blah,blah,blah... I am supposed to drink 17 cups of water... but its winter, and I am not sweating, so I'm going for 16 cups.

So... this lil app does two things. It keeps track of how many cups of water I drink, and it sends me little reminders.

It also does a third thing... it taunts me...

Now, I'm smart enough to know that not all my water has to come in crystal clear H2O format. It can also come from foods I eat, like soup, watermelon, fruits, etc. But still.... 16 cups is a lot of frickin water!!!
And usually, I like drinking water... but my body... it's just upset.

Yesterday was my first attempt at consuming 16 cups of water. I got to 15. That's alotta trips to the faucet.
A bajillion drip, drip, drips...


Ugh... so... yesterday was comical, at the very least. After my 6th cup, I felt full. Just too %$*# full... I was drinking a lot like this during the summer, but I hadn't been lately. My poor lil belly felt so stretched out!

The weird thing about drinking water is that you THINK you are going to feel bloated-because of what everyone says about water-weight. But evidently it doesn't work that way.

Here's how it actually works.

Let's start with a bloated white guy. We'll name him Randy...



See Randy? He thinks he's sexy... that's not sexy.
Anyway, Randy, besides being heavy, also has a huge gut from being bloated. And most of that bloating is water. Why is Randy bloated? Well... he probably doesn't drink enough water. So he, like most of us, suffers from dehydration. Its very common. Lots of Americans experience mild to moderate dehydration and never even know. They think they're SUPPOSED to feel the way they do.

I'm saying "they" so you don't feel bad, but chances are, you too are amongst the many.

So back to Randy's bloat...
When the body is even slightly dehydrated, it sucks whatever water is available, into the fat cells, to store it. Survival mode. And the fat cells swell... then you have. Ta-daa! Bloat.

So... drinking MORE water actually tells the body it can release the excess water in the fat...

Who knew?

Good luck Randy.

Now back to me.

I'm not so much concerned with bloating. I do that once a month without drinking water. Joys of womanhood...

However, it takes the body awhile to get used to constantly flushing out water. So until my body regulates, guess where I'll be spending quite a bit of time...

Well, my niece calls it... "the potty." The toilet. The can. The porcelain throne, the whizzbucket, the- ok I'm done.

Yep. Lots of trips to flush city. (Had to get one more out)

And don't be like me, in scenarios where there's no bathroom available and you wait, and wait, and wait, wiggling around like some sort of 1950's American Bandstand dancer


Its not pleasant.
I felt bad, because I almost bumrushed this small child to go. Well, I say almost. I hope I didn't get the child. I didn't stick around long enough to see after a bathroom free'd up.




Having to go to the bathroom turns you into a lethal person. It brings out the worst in you, I'm telling the truth! And guys... don't leave them near an empty container...


And WHY is it that they can pee anywhere and we can't? If we pee in the woods, we're wild women. They're just "roughing it."

Bah. Hum. Bug.

Well... I know my body will calm down and regulate after awhile. And I look forward to that. Because when I drink a lot of water, good things do happen. I eat less, my skin clears up, and drinking cold water burns a TON of calories. So, although I feel like a sponge right now, (soak it up, squeeze it out) I know it'll pay off soon.... I hope...

Til then, if u need me, I'll be in the restroom.

Love you all, my fellow Chubbchubbs. Remember... good food is delish, but good living is sweeter.

Open up and say "ahh"

Today I am going to have an informal visit with the doctor... Probably no more than a mild checkup. But its still an air of gloom and doom.

You walk into this room, strip down to your JohnBrown hindparts, and get poked and prodded by a person that is neither your lover, or family member... That's the average doctor's visit. They blind you with a flashlight and stick lights in your ears. I always imagine light pouring out of the remaining holes in my head cartoon-style. Then the infamous "say ah"... a testament to torture. Because we all know that none of us are ever saying "ahh" good enough or loud enough. You just keep trying until you sound like some Wall-E style robot...


Then they listen to your insides. Lungs. Heart. Belly. Back.... (notice heavier people say "belly" like its a separate entity? Buff people say superfluous things lik "core" or abdomen... showoffs.) What they're listening for, I will never know. I always imagine that I can contort my stomach to play a little ditty...





Scary as it all sounds...

None of these factors are the "why" behind my anxiety... its the disappointment....

First, let me tell you a little bit about my doctor. One word comes to mind: liberal. She is a fun lady, in all seriousness. (Can you be fun in all seriousness?) She's thin, of course, and jewish and energetic, and probably in her forties somewhere. And she is always smiling.

She has been interested in me for as long as I can remember. My whole family actually. She is the only pediatrician I ever knew who wanted to check out a parent.

I remember how I found out she was Jewish...
I asked her once when I was younger "Doc," I said, "is it at all humanly possible to get pregnant without having actual sex?" She replied "well, I heard a story about it happening to a nice jewish girl named Mary once, but I don't think so."

Hilarious....

Anyway, I haven't physically seen her since maaaybe the summer? I can't actually remember. I just know that health-wise, I've been behaving pretty much like an obscene rollercoaster. And although I started January off to a good start... well... we know how that ended. Red sea compounded with Tech week for my play... yikes...

So... I'm afraid of the disappointment that is sure to be lurking under that optimistic smile. Because you can't hide from the facts at the doctors. Can't blame weightgain on broken scales, or pretend that all that fiber has really lowered your cholesterol. You piss in a cup, and the truth is all there in your too-dark urine.

Now... I have every intention of rebooting this February in a good way. And so far I am not off to a bad start. I made the most delicious sandwhich spread (carrots, olives, cream cheese, onion, and some black pepper). I want to change!

But I've said this to her before... so if this visit doesn't reveal some serious differences from last time, I'm going to sound like a broken record. This time really IS different though. Blogging creates a certain level of accountability. If I know you guys are tuning in to check on how I'm doing, or maybe just to laugh at the poor dope who calls herself a "chubbchubb," I'm going to write. And since I'm writing honestly, I'm going to want to do better. Right? Well... that's how I hope it works out anyway...



*a couple hours later*

Well... that's over.... and like I said... you can't hide from the truth. And what's the truth?

I AM FRICKIN McAwesome!!
My blood pressure was 100/60.
That's darn perfect boys and girls!!
(Just a lil informative moment... if your blood pressure is higher than 129 on top and 80 on the bottom... you, my friend, should see a doctor.)

My weight is 236. Which is one pound over my range. I'm usually 230 in the morning, and 235 by the end of the day... so... I haven't really gained any weight! (Its about 4pm my time).

I am so good! And Doc thinks I look slimmer. She would know... she has been checking me out since, like... 1994 or so... over half of my life!

So... my chubb chubbs... just goes to show... hard work does pay off! I can't believe I was so worried.

I guess the lesson today is to trust myself. If I know I am working hard, I need to trust that I will see results. Because that's the best my blood pressure has ever been in my adult life!

This is a sweet moment guys and gals. I think I deserve a yogurt parfait. A lil healthy sweet emotional eating. ;-) (I really am hungry though)...

Tomorrow, I am going to start some kind of workout... and return to my food journaling! This visit was a great motivator for February.

Love you all, my fellow Chubbchubbs. Remember... good food is delish, but good living is sweeter!