Slacking.... Help!!

It's a familiar feeling...

I get out of whack with my fitness and I just stay there. It usually happens when I'm overly stressed, or somewhat strapped financially and can't eat like I want to. Which is counter-productive, because not eating like I want to is all the more reason to excercise more.

Anyway, this time it's both. I'm strapped, and stressed, because I just started a business... Oh the expensive joys of entrepreneurship...

Anyway, it's definitely becoming a gradual decline from my good habits. I need a boost, or something. A pick-me-up. Some motivation. Because nothing in my immediate surroundings is getting me going.

Instead... My bed and sedentary prostration are calling my name.

What does one do in these moments?

I mean, I'm also faced with this exciting, but expensive new discovery; my clothes don't all fit. I am slowly, but surely inching out of them with the weightloss. On the one hand, this is a sure sign of losing inches, which is the point. On the other hand, it's also a sure sign of losing $$$, as I have to either replace certain items, or get them tailored, so my clothes (namely pants and shorts) don't fall off of me.

I have taken to buying dresses lately. They last alot longer, in regards to weightloss, and are much easier to take in. It's almost summer time, so long flowy dresses abound from every corner.

I don't want to go back. I don't want to gain the weight back. I don't want to be any heavier. But my body doesn't seem to care what I want. And my emotions are on my body's side. So no matter how much I say "I will take this baby step to get back on track," in the hour of the moment, my body and my emotions say "well, I want to rest. I'm tired. I want something sweet to eat."

Vicious battle. And in the fight of "I" vs "emotions x body," I'm just simply outnumbered.

So... Again... I need help. I need some support or something. A spark. Because I'm sort of losing mine.

Halfway to home base!!

24.8lbs... Even though thats not quite 25... It's darn near. If i ran a mile tomorrow, that'll probably take care of it.

Im very excited, as my initial goal was 50lbs lost. I am halfway there. Except.... It's taking too long. I only have four months left to make my goal. Losing a pound a week, I can lose sixteen or seventeen more, max, before the end of August. Im not sure what it's going to take to kick this weightloss up, but I need that 2lbs/week ratio to pop off. I might go vegan for a few weeks, or something. Lol. We will see.

Tis all for now, my darling chubbchubbs.

Just an update

So, its October, and instead of losing weight, I've gained some. But to be perfectly honest, I don't care right this minute. Ask me again in three months...

I am well aware that my body is going through all sorts of changes right now. I had to start birth control for the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. And I can tell that it'd making weird decisions on my insides. Bah. Humbug.

On the up and up, and am committed to being physical every other day, for atleast an hour if I am walking or jogging, and maybe thirty minutes if its intense cardio. This is a good step for me, because I think every other day is more realistic, considering my crazy busy schedule.

I have also determined not to eat past 8:30pm. Although I really usually don't eat past 7:30, just out of habit. I am nervous, however as to what effect the BC is having on my appetite.

That's about all with me. I have joined a website called Peertrainer. Maybe that will help me out with accountability. Maybe... it is not the same as being accountable in person, but it's a start.


Oh! And I have cut down on breads. I think I eat bread maybe once a week now. Mostly just meat and greens these days. I am about to cut down the meat too. Down, not out... I'm no vegetarian.


Until next time.
Ciao.

Where the heck have i been?

I have somehow neglected my poor blog, my darling chubbchubbs! My apologies.

Many things have happened over these several months....
Including weight-gain unfortunately. I had a really fun summer job with the Freedom Schools, I moved out of my grandmother's apartment, and now live on my own, I got a car, a beau, and a premature quarter-life crisis, all in one summer. Meanwhile, i comforted my stress, and celebrated my successes with food. The result? ....drumroll...



249.1 lbs.

My last weigh in as of Sember 15th, of this year.
A weigh-in and one of those life-changing announcements....

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

What the heck does this mean for me? Well, it certainly explains alot. Including an interesting tidbit from my doctor. "People with PCOS dont metabolize well." "Meaning?" "Meaning you have to work alot harder than other people to stay on top of your weight."
Joy...
Although believe it or not, I am actually glad to finally have this understanding of how my body works. It doesnt give me any excuse to not work hard, or to take it easy on myself, but it is some comfort in understanding why certain attempts at weightloss have left me without any significant results.

So, how does the PCOS affect my weightloss journey? Here are a few ways.
-Like the doctor said, my body doesn't metabolize well.
-Im more prone to insulin resistance, which can lead to diabetes if im not careful (no worries so far, lovelies! she said my blood sugar was good!)
-Im more prone to high blood pressure and high cholesterol (neither of which is the case right now)
-Weight gain is more likely to be in the midsection. (wtf? a little hip/butt action would be much nicer)
-Certain hormones that my body makes too much of most likely have increased my muscle mass, and can trigger the depression (makes sense, if we review most of my life since puberty)

This is all pretty annoying stuff. But like I said, it was mildly liberating to discover, as it allows me to make different decisions. The "lead to diabetes" thing freaks me out. I have good blood sugar levels now, but if I have to work harder to keep it that way, I might have to all but say goodbye to my friend Sugar. Diabetes is extremely high on my list of "major no-no's." I am absolutely determined not to end up that way.

The good news is that it re-sparked a fire under my butt! Since I got the news, I have gone to the track every morning with my dear Granny. Dont let the "dear" mislead you. She is an Amazonian Warrior woman. Besides being six feet tall, she is able bodied to boot! And we go to the track every morning. Right now, it's just walking. Slackers cant just pick up and run. And I have been one monstrous slacker! All summer, besides my energetic job, I did not make one move toward working out... I also had a major illness (which led to the discovery of the PCOS), and I'm almost certain some of the weight gain came from there. So, for now, I walk. In a week or two, I will pick up the pace and try jogging.

Baby steps, after all...

So, thank you, my darlings, for enduring my absence. I pray that you all are still with me in this journey.

Til, next time...
Smooches Divas! (And all my wonderful Princes)
Food is good. But Life is delish.

Skinny friends. Fat friends. They all piss me off...

I know we shouldn't judge others. But sometimes, you have to take a step back and review your immediate circle. Your friends should always uplift you and better you. But sometimes they just drag you down.

I have a little story for you. It's pretty true, except the names, of course, have been changed.

When I was in college, I knew two young ladies who were roommates. One was thick and curvy, a true chubbchubb, and the other was slim. Both had a habit of eating whatever they wanted.
We will call our Chubbchubb Diva 'Megan'. And her slim roommate is 'Kim.'

Our friend Megan knew she was reaching an unhealthy weight. She loved greasy, fatty foods, and it was taking its toll on her health. So, she decided to make a change and try to eat healthier. It was a beautiful time in her life, trying to do better. She made certain food switches, tried to go walking regularly. Progress was had...

Until the Skinny Witch of the West put her two cents in. Now, this is not a real stab at Kim's moral character, so much as a highlight of her insensitivity to the moment. Kim had always been smaller. She had no idea what it was like to even contemplate being called... fat... *ominous music plays*
At lunch, Kim would make comments like "Is that all you're going to eat," in reference to Megan's green, leafy salads and baked chicken. And silently, Megan fumed... poor girl.

Which brings me to my first point.
When it comes to weight loss, I hate my 'skinny' friends.
Now, understand, I'm not referring to those svelte Divas who absolutely have to work tremendously hard to keep their bodies fit. I am referring to those 'skinny-minded' girls who have been small forever, and blind to people's issues with weight. If you don't know who I am talking about... check your arm. If there's no extra jiggle to grab, and you don't have any 'skinny-minded' friends... it just might be you...

Now, some people might say... "I can't help being this small." And that's true enough. Genetics leaves us all the victims of all kinds of physiques. But just as a racial or religious majority (or power) should humble themselves in the place of minorities, so too should the naturally skinny of the world be more sensitive to the plight of the heavy.

'Skinny' friends are a detriment to the weightloss struggle. They love you, of course. But, they don't have any compassion for what you go through. And they are absolutely the worst people to workout/eat/buy clothes with. You spend so much time comparing yourself to them and their impossibly small waists, (Whose waist is that freaking small? Come on!) that you miss your own wonderful progress. Because it never measures up to what she has. And then that faithful moment comes... she makes some slight reference to some weight she gained, and you suddenly find yourself explaining to the officer that you don't know how your fingers ended up around her neck...

Then you snap out of the daydream, sigh, and munch angrily on your celery stick... or your oreo cookie... depending on your resiliency.


If you have 'skinny minded' friends who make those uncomfortable comments about your process, don't lose it. Sit them down and explain what its like for you. And what you need from them as a friend.

Now... I also have some fat friends. And I don't mean my fellow chubbchubb divas- those beautiful women who just happen to be bigger. I mean those big women who live life like food is their only pleasure. And can't stand other people's weight loss success. Or worse, have the willpower of a hungry tiger let loose at fat camp....

I have an... associate... we will call her Tonya. And Tonya is a big girl. In my opinion, she is also very beautiful. But that girl is obsessed with weight. When people eat healthy around her, she always gives off these exclamations of "I'm fat. I need some grease, or salt, or something." I once offered Tonya some of my delicious salad and she said "Oh you think I'm fat."

...never mind, crazy.... more for me...

Tonya is off putting because she always makes a situation about her weight. And she does it about other people's weight too. She told me, ME... "you move pretty well for a big girl." I looked at her and said "honey I move well for any girl." I'm a dancer! And being a wonderful plussized Diva doesn't keep me from moving to the beat. I've been big all my life. And nobody ever told me that meant I couldn't be light on my feet...
But Tonya was projecting her insecurities on to me. Or... trying to...

And that's my second point. My "fat friends" can only see their lives as "fat" girls. Their weight is their first thought. And worse, they let it hold them back. Then eventually they try to hold others back. You know the type. You decide to go walking everyday, and she's there with her negativity. "You might as well give up. You know you'd rather be (enter sedentary, mindless activity here).

This is another one you consider interlacing your fingers around... just above the shoulders....

But you don't do it... that would be wrong...
....wrong....

This kind of friend is another issue, and unfortunately, unlike the skinny friend, her conflict with your process usually doesn't stem from a lack of understanding. It stems from her insecurities with her own shape. So she's a harder friend to address. Of course, you can still talk to her. But in the end, if she doesn't change, you may have to just tune her out during her "fatty" moments...

So... what kind of friend should you have? Not skinny. Not fat. A Beyonce... lol.

But seriously, Bey isn't that far off. She is both a hardworking athlete, and a person who struggles openly with her desire to eat sugary snacks. In other words, she has balance, leaning a little more toward success, than failure. And that's the kind of woman you need supporting you in this adventure. The kind that will go running (um... I don't run... so of course, in my head, we're walking briskly) with you ,AND relate to your desire for Ben & Jerry's Chunky Munky. But, being a good friend, she'll serve you up some strawberries and light whipped topping instead. Yeah... get yourself THAT kind of friend.

Til, next time...
Smooches Divas! (And all my wonderful Princes)
Food is good. But Life is delish.


P.s.
Tell me about your skinny/fat friend experiences.
Xoxo.

posted from Bloggeroid

Solid as a Rock.... or not...

So....
My last post was way less than happy. I had a little breakdown. But... I'm back at it again. I started March off with workouts and decent eating. (Yes, I found a doable workout!!! Woohoo!) In about a week, I'm heading back to my alma mater to handle some business. So, for these two weeks, I've been regrouping- centering my mind, and my body. I'd given myself a little two week challenge. It started Saturday evening. I am on a mainly liquid diet. Smoothies. Soups. Juices. And two weeks.

Another new development? I've got a little support system going on. None too close, mostly long distance. But it's a couple of people who are willing to give a bit of encouragement...

So, how's this liquid thing going? Well, pretty good. I've had a bite or two of solid food, but I've been pretty good at sticking to it. I've changed from 6meals to 7, since they're liquid, and I'm getting up earlier these days.

And I miss chicken.

You have no idea. I was googling "meat smoothies" to see if there was some recipe for liquid meat substance that wouldn't be gross.....


Why? Well.... honestly.... I like challenges. I do better when I have a controllable goal. Lose twenty pounds? Not exactly in my control. Drink liquid for two weeks? I can do that. Its a good goal to reset, and rededicate my brain for the challenges I am facing in this weightloss journey. It's also a chance to give my digestive system a break, reduce caloric intake, and infuse my body with all sorts of nutrients.

So... we'll see how it goes, my loves.
Today, I have a mild ache that is trying to turn into a headache. I don't know if that's from a lack of solid food or not... I hope it goes away in a few days...


We will see...

Love you all my fellow Chubbchubbs! Remember... good food is delish, but good living is sweeter.

posted from Bloggeroid

A bad feeling....

Today, my chubbchubbs, is a bad day.... or rather, its a bad evening. This is a journal entry based in irrationality and angry emotion....

Just thought I'd warn you.

Why is it irrational? Because any normal person who could look at the bigger picture, wouldn't be so upset. But when you are a little perfectionist like me, its the *little* things that irk the crap out of you....

The bigger picture is this: I had a great day at work, and my actresses performed grandly during this evening's performance.

Here's the minute details that are on the verge of sending me to tears: my skirt split, then I ripped off the button on my shirt, I left my headphones, (which means I cannot zone out musically while my mother is studying) and after working out so hard yesterday that my whole body is sore above the bellybutton, I am actually heavier. Oh yeah... the weather is crappy, and might be affecting my headaches.

And then there are my mom's interjections of dialogue with the computer lecture recording she is listening to. Grr...
Again... no headphones...

I get annoyed very deeply when intricate things go wrong, one right after the other. It burns in my chest, like an out-of-control flame, threatening to make me cry.

I don't do crying...

So, as a response to my refusal to cry, my body converts my sad annoyance to anger. Edgy, irritated, anger... the kind that slams drawers and then says "nothing is wrong."

Usually, my healthy outlet is to listen to music to calm down. But... there's no music remember? No headphones.

So what happened?

The half of a Hershey bar sitting in my purse began to call me. And call me. And call me. Loud pounding ringing in my head.
So I answered. I unwrapped and devoured the rest of the candy bar, violently and hatefully; waiting for the euphoric cocoa chemicals to kick into my neurotransmitters and calm me down.

And they did momentarily. The chocolate calmed me down from the strange mixture of fury and tears lurkin beneath my quiet demeanor. But the anger remained. The frustration remained. I was literally afraid to move or interact with my family because I knew that if I said too much, I would sound irritated, or say the wrong thing in spite. So I just laid out on the couch, curled up in a ball, with my back to the room. It was the safest thing I could think to do.

And then I felt the guilt of scarfing down half of a huge frickin hershey bar. That's like... 10 rectangles.

Remember the cupcake demons? There are Hershey demons too. And they just whisper to you. Like a alchy-smelling old friend whose drunkenness insures that they put their snoshy wet lips a little too close to your ear.
"Good job kiddo."
"Look at you. Another food binge."
"You're never going to beat this thing."


That Demon is called Defeatist Guilt. He just makes you feel worse about what you're doing, and simultaneously encourages you to give up trying to do better.
Then the tears brim up again, but I already told you. I don't do the tears if I can help it.

So, why the dark emotion?

I have clinical depression.

And why the separate, removed analysis of what is ocurring?

Because that's how my analytical brain works. I always somehow manage to experience emotion and yet simultaneously remove myself to a bird's eye view type of dissection. Its strange and mildly annoying. No, seriously. Its bad enough to go through the pain. I don't need a mental play-by-play of what's going on, and where it stems from psychologically.

But I do it anyway... I'm not sure how NOT to. Its a natural thing my brain does. Analyze, question, critique, criticize, breakdown, wonder, play out scenarios. All the time. All. The. Time.

Funny thing is, I think this adds to my depression. And its exhausting. Its EXHAUSTING. When the mind runs sixty miles per hour, its tired before you speak your first sentence of the day. Seriously. Mentally, I get drained very quickly.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That was last night...

Today I awake to find myself much calmer, but still a convict of last night's actions. Remember how I said I was afraid to interact with my family? Well, I did have one small interaction, and it turned into the squabble of the morning.

And its a bit like Jekyll and Hide. The Doc always had to pay for the sins of Mr. Hide, even if he didn't quite understand what happened. (You know, I once was asked out by a guy who didn't know who Jekyll and Hide were.... courtship ended shortly after...)

So... its a *fantastic* start to my already tiresome day. And I'm still resisting the urge to wolf down whatever piece of sugary goodness comes my way.

And there's present anxiety. But its more subdued than the electric stormcloud that was billowing in my chest last night.
But I don't see this day coming out Sunny.

I just have to try very hard to steer myself away from cookies and cakes....


***
Fyi... it didn't work out. I had two cookies, some Hostess donuts, and two cupcakes....

Ah well, my lovelies... no one said I was perfect....

Love you all, my fellow Chubbchubbs. Remember... good food is delish, but good living is sweeter!

Open up and say "ahh"

Today I am going to have an informal visit with the doctor... Probably no more than a mild checkup. But its still an air of gloom and doom.

You walk into this room, strip down to your JohnBrown hindparts, and get poked and prodded by a person that is neither your lover, or family member... That's the average doctor's visit. They blind you with a flashlight and stick lights in your ears. I always imagine light pouring out of the remaining holes in my head cartoon-style. Then the infamous "say ah"... a testament to torture. Because we all know that none of us are ever saying "ahh" good enough or loud enough. You just keep trying until you sound like some Wall-E style robot...


Then they listen to your insides. Lungs. Heart. Belly. Back.... (notice heavier people say "belly" like its a separate entity? Buff people say superfluous things lik "core" or abdomen... showoffs.) What they're listening for, I will never know. I always imagine that I can contort my stomach to play a little ditty...





Scary as it all sounds...

None of these factors are the "why" behind my anxiety... its the disappointment....

First, let me tell you a little bit about my doctor. One word comes to mind: liberal. She is a fun lady, in all seriousness. (Can you be fun in all seriousness?) She's thin, of course, and jewish and energetic, and probably in her forties somewhere. And she is always smiling.

She has been interested in me for as long as I can remember. My whole family actually. She is the only pediatrician I ever knew who wanted to check out a parent.

I remember how I found out she was Jewish...
I asked her once when I was younger "Doc," I said, "is it at all humanly possible to get pregnant without having actual sex?" She replied "well, I heard a story about it happening to a nice jewish girl named Mary once, but I don't think so."

Hilarious....

Anyway, I haven't physically seen her since maaaybe the summer? I can't actually remember. I just know that health-wise, I've been behaving pretty much like an obscene rollercoaster. And although I started January off to a good start... well... we know how that ended. Red sea compounded with Tech week for my play... yikes...

So... I'm afraid of the disappointment that is sure to be lurking under that optimistic smile. Because you can't hide from the facts at the doctors. Can't blame weightgain on broken scales, or pretend that all that fiber has really lowered your cholesterol. You piss in a cup, and the truth is all there in your too-dark urine.

Now... I have every intention of rebooting this February in a good way. And so far I am not off to a bad start. I made the most delicious sandwhich spread (carrots, olives, cream cheese, onion, and some black pepper). I want to change!

But I've said this to her before... so if this visit doesn't reveal some serious differences from last time, I'm going to sound like a broken record. This time really IS different though. Blogging creates a certain level of accountability. If I know you guys are tuning in to check on how I'm doing, or maybe just to laugh at the poor dope who calls herself a "chubbchubb," I'm going to write. And since I'm writing honestly, I'm going to want to do better. Right? Well... that's how I hope it works out anyway...



*a couple hours later*

Well... that's over.... and like I said... you can't hide from the truth. And what's the truth?

I AM FRICKIN McAwesome!!
My blood pressure was 100/60.
That's darn perfect boys and girls!!
(Just a lil informative moment... if your blood pressure is higher than 129 on top and 80 on the bottom... you, my friend, should see a doctor.)

My weight is 236. Which is one pound over my range. I'm usually 230 in the morning, and 235 by the end of the day... so... I haven't really gained any weight! (Its about 4pm my time).

I am so good! And Doc thinks I look slimmer. She would know... she has been checking me out since, like... 1994 or so... over half of my life!

So... my chubb chubbs... just goes to show... hard work does pay off! I can't believe I was so worried.

I guess the lesson today is to trust myself. If I know I am working hard, I need to trust that I will see results. Because that's the best my blood pressure has ever been in my adult life!

This is a sweet moment guys and gals. I think I deserve a yogurt parfait. A lil healthy sweet emotional eating. ;-) (I really am hungry though)...

Tomorrow, I am going to start some kind of workout... and return to my food journaling! This visit was a great motivator for February.

Love you all, my fellow Chubbchubbs. Remember... good food is delish, but good living is sweeter!