Just an update

So, its October, and instead of losing weight, I've gained some. But to be perfectly honest, I don't care right this minute. Ask me again in three months...

I am well aware that my body is going through all sorts of changes right now. I had to start birth control for the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. And I can tell that it'd making weird decisions on my insides. Bah. Humbug.

On the up and up, and am committed to being physical every other day, for atleast an hour if I am walking or jogging, and maybe thirty minutes if its intense cardio. This is a good step for me, because I think every other day is more realistic, considering my crazy busy schedule.

I have also determined not to eat past 8:30pm. Although I really usually don't eat past 7:30, just out of habit. I am nervous, however as to what effect the BC is having on my appetite.

That's about all with me. I have joined a website called Peertrainer. Maybe that will help me out with accountability. Maybe... it is not the same as being accountable in person, but it's a start.


Oh! And I have cut down on breads. I think I eat bread maybe once a week now. Mostly just meat and greens these days. I am about to cut down the meat too. Down, not out... I'm no vegetarian.


Until next time.
Ciao.

Where the heck have i been?

I have somehow neglected my poor blog, my darling chubbchubbs! My apologies.

Many things have happened over these several months....
Including weight-gain unfortunately. I had a really fun summer job with the Freedom Schools, I moved out of my grandmother's apartment, and now live on my own, I got a car, a beau, and a premature quarter-life crisis, all in one summer. Meanwhile, i comforted my stress, and celebrated my successes with food. The result? ....drumroll...



249.1 lbs.

My last weigh in as of Sember 15th, of this year.
A weigh-in and one of those life-changing announcements....

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

What the heck does this mean for me? Well, it certainly explains alot. Including an interesting tidbit from my doctor. "People with PCOS dont metabolize well." "Meaning?" "Meaning you have to work alot harder than other people to stay on top of your weight."
Joy...
Although believe it or not, I am actually glad to finally have this understanding of how my body works. It doesnt give me any excuse to not work hard, or to take it easy on myself, but it is some comfort in understanding why certain attempts at weightloss have left me without any significant results.

So, how does the PCOS affect my weightloss journey? Here are a few ways.
-Like the doctor said, my body doesn't metabolize well.
-Im more prone to insulin resistance, which can lead to diabetes if im not careful (no worries so far, lovelies! she said my blood sugar was good!)
-Im more prone to high blood pressure and high cholesterol (neither of which is the case right now)
-Weight gain is more likely to be in the midsection. (wtf? a little hip/butt action would be much nicer)
-Certain hormones that my body makes too much of most likely have increased my muscle mass, and can trigger the depression (makes sense, if we review most of my life since puberty)

This is all pretty annoying stuff. But like I said, it was mildly liberating to discover, as it allows me to make different decisions. The "lead to diabetes" thing freaks me out. I have good blood sugar levels now, but if I have to work harder to keep it that way, I might have to all but say goodbye to my friend Sugar. Diabetes is extremely high on my list of "major no-no's." I am absolutely determined not to end up that way.

The good news is that it re-sparked a fire under my butt! Since I got the news, I have gone to the track every morning with my dear Granny. Dont let the "dear" mislead you. She is an Amazonian Warrior woman. Besides being six feet tall, she is able bodied to boot! And we go to the track every morning. Right now, it's just walking. Slackers cant just pick up and run. And I have been one monstrous slacker! All summer, besides my energetic job, I did not make one move toward working out... I also had a major illness (which led to the discovery of the PCOS), and I'm almost certain some of the weight gain came from there. So, for now, I walk. In a week or two, I will pick up the pace and try jogging.

Baby steps, after all...

So, thank you, my darlings, for enduring my absence. I pray that you all are still with me in this journey.

Til, next time...
Smooches Divas! (And all my wonderful Princes)
Food is good. But Life is delish.

Skinny friends. Fat friends. They all piss me off...

I know we shouldn't judge others. But sometimes, you have to take a step back and review your immediate circle. Your friends should always uplift you and better you. But sometimes they just drag you down.

I have a little story for you. It's pretty true, except the names, of course, have been changed.

When I was in college, I knew two young ladies who were roommates. One was thick and curvy, a true chubbchubb, and the other was slim. Both had a habit of eating whatever they wanted.
We will call our Chubbchubb Diva 'Megan'. And her slim roommate is 'Kim.'

Our friend Megan knew she was reaching an unhealthy weight. She loved greasy, fatty foods, and it was taking its toll on her health. So, she decided to make a change and try to eat healthier. It was a beautiful time in her life, trying to do better. She made certain food switches, tried to go walking regularly. Progress was had...

Until the Skinny Witch of the West put her two cents in. Now, this is not a real stab at Kim's moral character, so much as a highlight of her insensitivity to the moment. Kim had always been smaller. She had no idea what it was like to even contemplate being called... fat... *ominous music plays*
At lunch, Kim would make comments like "Is that all you're going to eat," in reference to Megan's green, leafy salads and baked chicken. And silently, Megan fumed... poor girl.

Which brings me to my first point.
When it comes to weight loss, I hate my 'skinny' friends.
Now, understand, I'm not referring to those svelte Divas who absolutely have to work tremendously hard to keep their bodies fit. I am referring to those 'skinny-minded' girls who have been small forever, and blind to people's issues with weight. If you don't know who I am talking about... check your arm. If there's no extra jiggle to grab, and you don't have any 'skinny-minded' friends... it just might be you...

Now, some people might say... "I can't help being this small." And that's true enough. Genetics leaves us all the victims of all kinds of physiques. But just as a racial or religious majority (or power) should humble themselves in the place of minorities, so too should the naturally skinny of the world be more sensitive to the plight of the heavy.

'Skinny' friends are a detriment to the weightloss struggle. They love you, of course. But, they don't have any compassion for what you go through. And they are absolutely the worst people to workout/eat/buy clothes with. You spend so much time comparing yourself to them and their impossibly small waists, (Whose waist is that freaking small? Come on!) that you miss your own wonderful progress. Because it never measures up to what she has. And then that faithful moment comes... she makes some slight reference to some weight she gained, and you suddenly find yourself explaining to the officer that you don't know how your fingers ended up around her neck...

Then you snap out of the daydream, sigh, and munch angrily on your celery stick... or your oreo cookie... depending on your resiliency.


If you have 'skinny minded' friends who make those uncomfortable comments about your process, don't lose it. Sit them down and explain what its like for you. And what you need from them as a friend.

Now... I also have some fat friends. And I don't mean my fellow chubbchubb divas- those beautiful women who just happen to be bigger. I mean those big women who live life like food is their only pleasure. And can't stand other people's weight loss success. Or worse, have the willpower of a hungry tiger let loose at fat camp....

I have an... associate... we will call her Tonya. And Tonya is a big girl. In my opinion, she is also very beautiful. But that girl is obsessed with weight. When people eat healthy around her, she always gives off these exclamations of "I'm fat. I need some grease, or salt, or something." I once offered Tonya some of my delicious salad and she said "Oh you think I'm fat."

...never mind, crazy.... more for me...

Tonya is off putting because she always makes a situation about her weight. And she does it about other people's weight too. She told me, ME... "you move pretty well for a big girl." I looked at her and said "honey I move well for any girl." I'm a dancer! And being a wonderful plussized Diva doesn't keep me from moving to the beat. I've been big all my life. And nobody ever told me that meant I couldn't be light on my feet...
But Tonya was projecting her insecurities on to me. Or... trying to...

And that's my second point. My "fat friends" can only see their lives as "fat" girls. Their weight is their first thought. And worse, they let it hold them back. Then eventually they try to hold others back. You know the type. You decide to go walking everyday, and she's there with her negativity. "You might as well give up. You know you'd rather be (enter sedentary, mindless activity here).

This is another one you consider interlacing your fingers around... just above the shoulders....

But you don't do it... that would be wrong...
....wrong....

This kind of friend is another issue, and unfortunately, unlike the skinny friend, her conflict with your process usually doesn't stem from a lack of understanding. It stems from her insecurities with her own shape. So she's a harder friend to address. Of course, you can still talk to her. But in the end, if she doesn't change, you may have to just tune her out during her "fatty" moments...

So... what kind of friend should you have? Not skinny. Not fat. A Beyonce... lol.

But seriously, Bey isn't that far off. She is both a hardworking athlete, and a person who struggles openly with her desire to eat sugary snacks. In other words, she has balance, leaning a little more toward success, than failure. And that's the kind of woman you need supporting you in this adventure. The kind that will go running (um... I don't run... so of course, in my head, we're walking briskly) with you ,AND relate to your desire for Ben & Jerry's Chunky Munky. But, being a good friend, she'll serve you up some strawberries and light whipped topping instead. Yeah... get yourself THAT kind of friend.

Til, next time...
Smooches Divas! (And all my wonderful Princes)
Food is good. But Life is delish.


P.s.
Tell me about your skinny/fat friend experiences.
Xoxo.

posted from Bloggeroid

I'm baaaaack!!!

Hello all. I have been on a sort of blogging hiatus. I have also been gone traveling 17 days out of 24 last month. Phew! Nothing like a few trips to make you reevaluate your health plan.

I'd like to take a moment to give you all an update. While I have no idea how much I weigh, I have made an attempt tp stop eating after 7pm, regardless of how much I've eaten. This has been approximately 89% successful, which I'm pleased with for now.

Listed below is a link to an article that I hope will be very helpful to myself, and all you wonderful readers. http://www.naturalnews.com/003550.html

I've also come to terms with a certain reality... I am going o feel hungry sometimes. It is a natural fact. I can pretend its untrue or I can accept the mathematics of it. To lose weight, I must excercise and consume less calories. In consuming less calories than I am used to, my body will feel confused and respond with ghrelin (the hunger hormone) to try and maintain my current calorie count. But I can't maintain my current calorie count.

So far, this blogging thing as been a reason to find someone to hold me accountable for what I am doing. Then it became a chore. Now, its a task. A challenge. Both to give you all something worthwhile, and to see it through. My health and my words.
So... I'm back my darlings.

New start, and new saying, my chubbchubbs.

Food is good, but Life is delish.

posted from Bloggeroid

posted from Bloggeroid

Solid as a Rock.... or not...

So....
My last post was way less than happy. I had a little breakdown. But... I'm back at it again. I started March off with workouts and decent eating. (Yes, I found a doable workout!!! Woohoo!) In about a week, I'm heading back to my alma mater to handle some business. So, for these two weeks, I've been regrouping- centering my mind, and my body. I'd given myself a little two week challenge. It started Saturday evening. I am on a mainly liquid diet. Smoothies. Soups. Juices. And two weeks.

Another new development? I've got a little support system going on. None too close, mostly long distance. But it's a couple of people who are willing to give a bit of encouragement...

So, how's this liquid thing going? Well, pretty good. I've had a bite or two of solid food, but I've been pretty good at sticking to it. I've changed from 6meals to 7, since they're liquid, and I'm getting up earlier these days.

And I miss chicken.

You have no idea. I was googling "meat smoothies" to see if there was some recipe for liquid meat substance that wouldn't be gross.....


Why? Well.... honestly.... I like challenges. I do better when I have a controllable goal. Lose twenty pounds? Not exactly in my control. Drink liquid for two weeks? I can do that. Its a good goal to reset, and rededicate my brain for the challenges I am facing in this weightloss journey. It's also a chance to give my digestive system a break, reduce caloric intake, and infuse my body with all sorts of nutrients.

So... we'll see how it goes, my loves.
Today, I have a mild ache that is trying to turn into a headache. I don't know if that's from a lack of solid food or not... I hope it goes away in a few days...


We will see...

Love you all my fellow Chubbchubbs! Remember... good food is delish, but good living is sweeter.

posted from Bloggeroid

MegaSlump

Greetings my darlings. I have been quite absent from the blog for some time. A couple of weeks at most. You'll have to pardon me. I've been quite ill. And... well... I'll just say I've been experiencing rather severe "girl pains" in addition to being ill. And my play finished up.


Quite a busy, draining couple of weeks.
So you know what that means....

Dietary failure.

I've been totally absent from healthful piety. Its sad. Some days I only ate once. Some days, not at all. I'm in that place I normally find myself in when I try to do it healthy. A MegaSlump.

The MegaSlump is a dangerous place for me. Its not like a "slump" where a person maybe falls off for a few days, or a week. Or forgets a little.

The MegaSlump is a total mental failure. I begin to see things as pointless and helpless. And usually I don't just feel discouraged. I DECIDE to give up altogether.

I've been in a MegaSlump for a few days. Ready to call it quits and just remain overweight and unhealthy. I mean, its not like I'm receiving any encouragement. Very few people read this blog honestly...

I don't know why I'm trying so hard. If noone else cares... maybe I shouldn't either...


Oh jeez... it sounds way more depressing on screen...

I'm just tired of constantly failing. And I'm tired of doing it by myself. I need help. I need help. I need help. A swift kick in the shins, so to speak.

Right now, I feel very alone in this battle. And I don't know if I can make it to where I want to be. Atleast not by myself.

This- this is apart of that food demon I mentioned earlier. The fear of true failure. So what do I do?

Well, since Valentine's day, my remedy for everything has been the giant bag of M&M's I've been eating.

I don't know what's coming darlings. But its not good so far.

And this is compounded by the fact that I feel alone; and crowded at the same time. I have no personal sanctuary, except for my food, and the space between my ears when my earbuds are in. I'm like a Frenchman in rural China. And my Cantonese is pretty bad.

Not only am I in a MegaSlump, but I'm back to medicating with food. And eating irregularly. Some days I eat once, some days I eat nothing at all. Today is the first day I've managed six individual meals and I'm pretty sure they were too small. In the past week, I skipped three days without drinking any water at all.

The weather isn't helping. I detest the winter. Since my exercise of choice is jogging outside... it limits things a bit.

I'm also extremely likely to have S.A.D. which turns the winter into a nightmare.

I don't like this place I'm in. But I don't know how to get out of it. And "just making up my mind" isn't working...

Later darlings....

A bad feeling....

Today, my chubbchubbs, is a bad day.... or rather, its a bad evening. This is a journal entry based in irrationality and angry emotion....

Just thought I'd warn you.

Why is it irrational? Because any normal person who could look at the bigger picture, wouldn't be so upset. But when you are a little perfectionist like me, its the *little* things that irk the crap out of you....

The bigger picture is this: I had a great day at work, and my actresses performed grandly during this evening's performance.

Here's the minute details that are on the verge of sending me to tears: my skirt split, then I ripped off the button on my shirt, I left my headphones, (which means I cannot zone out musically while my mother is studying) and after working out so hard yesterday that my whole body is sore above the bellybutton, I am actually heavier. Oh yeah... the weather is crappy, and might be affecting my headaches.

And then there are my mom's interjections of dialogue with the computer lecture recording she is listening to. Grr...
Again... no headphones...

I get annoyed very deeply when intricate things go wrong, one right after the other. It burns in my chest, like an out-of-control flame, threatening to make me cry.

I don't do crying...

So, as a response to my refusal to cry, my body converts my sad annoyance to anger. Edgy, irritated, anger... the kind that slams drawers and then says "nothing is wrong."

Usually, my healthy outlet is to listen to music to calm down. But... there's no music remember? No headphones.

So what happened?

The half of a Hershey bar sitting in my purse began to call me. And call me. And call me. Loud pounding ringing in my head.
So I answered. I unwrapped and devoured the rest of the candy bar, violently and hatefully; waiting for the euphoric cocoa chemicals to kick into my neurotransmitters and calm me down.

And they did momentarily. The chocolate calmed me down from the strange mixture of fury and tears lurkin beneath my quiet demeanor. But the anger remained. The frustration remained. I was literally afraid to move or interact with my family because I knew that if I said too much, I would sound irritated, or say the wrong thing in spite. So I just laid out on the couch, curled up in a ball, with my back to the room. It was the safest thing I could think to do.

And then I felt the guilt of scarfing down half of a huge frickin hershey bar. That's like... 10 rectangles.

Remember the cupcake demons? There are Hershey demons too. And they just whisper to you. Like a alchy-smelling old friend whose drunkenness insures that they put their snoshy wet lips a little too close to your ear.
"Good job kiddo."
"Look at you. Another food binge."
"You're never going to beat this thing."


That Demon is called Defeatist Guilt. He just makes you feel worse about what you're doing, and simultaneously encourages you to give up trying to do better.
Then the tears brim up again, but I already told you. I don't do the tears if I can help it.

So, why the dark emotion?

I have clinical depression.

And why the separate, removed analysis of what is ocurring?

Because that's how my analytical brain works. I always somehow manage to experience emotion and yet simultaneously remove myself to a bird's eye view type of dissection. Its strange and mildly annoying. No, seriously. Its bad enough to go through the pain. I don't need a mental play-by-play of what's going on, and where it stems from psychologically.

But I do it anyway... I'm not sure how NOT to. Its a natural thing my brain does. Analyze, question, critique, criticize, breakdown, wonder, play out scenarios. All the time. All. The. Time.

Funny thing is, I think this adds to my depression. And its exhausting. Its EXHAUSTING. When the mind runs sixty miles per hour, its tired before you speak your first sentence of the day. Seriously. Mentally, I get drained very quickly.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

That was last night...

Today I awake to find myself much calmer, but still a convict of last night's actions. Remember how I said I was afraid to interact with my family? Well, I did have one small interaction, and it turned into the squabble of the morning.

And its a bit like Jekyll and Hide. The Doc always had to pay for the sins of Mr. Hide, even if he didn't quite understand what happened. (You know, I once was asked out by a guy who didn't know who Jekyll and Hide were.... courtship ended shortly after...)

So... its a *fantastic* start to my already tiresome day. And I'm still resisting the urge to wolf down whatever piece of sugary goodness comes my way.

And there's present anxiety. But its more subdued than the electric stormcloud that was billowing in my chest last night.
But I don't see this day coming out Sunny.

I just have to try very hard to steer myself away from cookies and cakes....


***
Fyi... it didn't work out. I had two cookies, some Hostess donuts, and two cupcakes....

Ah well, my lovelies... no one said I was perfect....

Love you all, my fellow Chubbchubbs. Remember... good food is delish, but good living is sweeter!